She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
