I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
