Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
