4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
