when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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