Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
