I met the friendliest cop last night
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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