You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
