i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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