I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
