How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
