so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
