Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
