i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
