Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
whose parrot is this?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
