I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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