i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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