i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
