Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
