I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
