when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
