Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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