she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
