sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
