I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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