I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
