I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
