yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
