Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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