1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
