I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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