i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
