can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
