im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
