Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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