Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She needs sedatives and a leash
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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