1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
