the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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