I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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