remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
