The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
