Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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