Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
