Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
they're like a gay fantastic four
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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