Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
