I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
