This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
