More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
