omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
