Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
